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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in pyschokatt's LiveJournal:

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    Tuesday, April 24th, 2007
    11:58 am
    season of the shark.
    5 months. 5 more months.
    then freedom. abandonment. em.anc.ipa.tion. l.i.b.e.r.a.t.i.o.n. i can leave the south behind me. for good. i can forget. or start to remember. in 5 months he will know. and we can forget. or start to remember.
    i woke up one morning with my eyes swollen shut. now my organs might be disintigrating. it would be so so interesting to vomit up your insides. then you would really have something to be sad about.
    i live in a black and white world these days. everything is winding down. the cat continues to scratch. words spoken one night are contradicted not 24 hours later. it's like shark bites. and parasites. and chopping off fingers that you don't need.
    i would give up black coffee and cigarettes for you.
    i would break a mirror with my bare hands for you.
    i would throw out all the jars filled to the top with tiny memories to forget.
    i would forget to remember. to forget.
    lets break each others bones and give each other black eyes one more time. just for fun. for one last laugh. i'll get that hot air ballon tattooed on my arm and you can just laugh at me because you are afraid of needles. then i will travel by air, and you can travel by sea. apart but together. and the telephone won't ring anymore.
    i am moving to new york. i'm going to try. i hope i see you there, meine liebe. ich. werde. nicht. Sie. loskommen. lassen. if it doesn't work out then i will head west and disregard the east for a long long time.

    brother goodreau, there are a few places i looked at trying to get a job at, based in portland. is it a good place to exsist? i consider it from time to time. if new york doesn't work.

    Bis nächste Zeit
    Wednesday, March 14th, 2007
    12:19 pm
    death in the ocean. things that fly.
    what is going on. what is going off. what next what now! this is the day of my last class for winter quarter. thank you. thank. y.o.u. a week of rest will be nice. not rest. no. just not class. i quit my job. they tried to make me work 40 hours a week when i asked for 15. me and that job did not get along. waking up every day. at 5. in the a.m. treachorous. ok. so here it is. it. it is. i.t.i.s. the show went wonderful. it stayed up an extra week. and a half. good. my protfolio is complete. grand. it looks like rain. fantastic. i swam in the ocean yesterday. then drank margaritas. to be repeated in one day. st pattys day (aka savannah disgusting drunk tourist fest) is on saturday. i want to hide. but the hotdog eating champion of the world will be eating hotdogs on the river. fuck! i drew over 200 bats. now i want to draw over 200.....unicorns? whales? atomic bombs? nothing. nothing. everything. pyscho killers. i have many things to do today. important things. but they ran out of my mind. maybesomeonewillremindmewhattheyarebutiverymuchdoubtthat. oops. today there was a rat in the ceiling. oh. that is everyday. i named him scratches. because that is the sound he produces. one day psycho killer will kill him.
    Wednesday, February 28th, 2007
    1:39 pm
    ages and androids and the letter a.
    i have not written in this little bitch in a while. much has happened. number one. i got a cat! his name is pyscho killer. i named him after my favorite talking heads song. i chase him around the house screaming "ques qua se! fa fa faa fa fa fa faa fa" that is terrible spelling. i have a new job. it requires me to be up in the morning before the sun awakes. so i am now found riding my bike through the savannah streets at 5 am. what else is there to do at that hour. then i watch the sun come up. me and mr. andrews made a book. he wrote. i illustrated. i learned how to play the harmonica. that is a lie. i have my first solo gallery show in 2 days. i feel like my insides are going to implode. i sold paintings at a convention and a famous comic artsist bought one and told me he was a fan of mine. i was enthralled. thats not the right word. since my last convention i have gathered and ever so small fan base via the interweb. superb. today in the lamest class i have ever taken a kid told me i should work on my anatomy. i laughed aloud and said nothing. thats only funny if you know my art work. yesterday i was awake for 22 hours straight. i drew 114 bats and bouquettes of flowers. then drank mexican beer. had a knife fight. looked 3 stories down. contemplated nyc. and ffell asleep.
    Saturday, November 11th, 2006
    1:39 am
    the lists and the turning about.
    so what has happened. what happened to you. what happend to me. what happened to dreams and the past. this is what happend to me in the past 7 days. attacked by dog. art destroyed. heart ripped in half. tire on car broken. at least i don't drive that car often. or ever.
    the signs that it is time to move on are abundant and overwhelming. everything that has happened i deserve, or at least asked for it. months and months ago. its funny what can happen in 15 months. get me a space ship and fly me to mars. i'll live on the foreign deserts in space and shoot pistols at the earth. when you see a shooting star that will be me. just trying to shoot you in the face. you probably deserve it.
    or maybe i did all along.
    Tuesday, November 7th, 2006
    10:47 pm
    a farewell to arms.
    heart has exploded. that is all.
    Friday, November 3rd, 2006
    10:28 pm
    sky captians drink french martinis?
    has the crazyness returned. yes. upon realizing how tame everything had been for the past months, it has returned. perhaps it is the seasons fault. fall leads to winter and the cold drive children of the south mad. again. onward. to the day of ghosts. and unexpected canadians. our new friends. on route to argentina. a party in their honor and police climing up three flights of stairs to knock on our door. yes we will quiet down. half an hour later they are back. morph into the sky captian, the red barron, amelia airheart. on to the day of rain. a different party on a different third floor. payphones on the roof. jesus and the devil playing songs. grandpa dancing and dr. strangelove and his wheelchair crashing down the stairs. the next day. party on a second floor. gas masks and rollerskates and sitting on stairs and a face of all jaws. find my dear melissa in the streets with a dog and a bottle of wine dressed in a cow and cowboy. and then i bit him on the arm. the real halloween. a bottle of wine and then i am in cognito, or a spy in a platinum blond wig. dance party in the old abandoned milk factory. beautiful music. my wife with a tuperwear container of vodka. i lose my mind. or my vision. its over until next year. i have no scars to remember it by. then we waste our days skipping classes to see films. make our way into a fil festival afterparty. with all the free martinis one could want. conversations with all of them. stolen away to sit in a booth. 'my dear you can not order anything else that comes in a martinin glass, you spill them to often', i was bannished to vodka and tonics. conversations again. then the dancing. untils the lights came on. a farewell to the modern day pan. i hope he will be back but a thousand kisses just in case. today: repeat. free passes scored last night. the afterparties of the film industry await.
    Sunday, October 22nd, 2006
    1:20 am
    the gift.
    nothing left to do but work. so much and so little time and or motivation. all i want to do is spin around in circles in the middle of the street. life as of now. a summer favorite going to france. i will miss her something awful. screaming at the top of my lungs in my bedroom. scream. screaming. long bike rides to the place of dance. dancing and spinning and dancing. being bought a drink and immediately spilling it all over the man who bougt it for me. falling down. laughing and then dancing off. sitting in the red booth smoking with miss lovely. conversations about the beautiful creatures. not being able to watch the movie. seeing double. painting backwards and one-man bands. offensive gallery shows and a dog named lou. spur of the moment photoshoots and a promise. a phone call detailing a dance party to be put together in t-minus one hour. they same song on loop all day long. fire. chairs. whiskey. bathroom conversations. and the escape. smoking that one last clove out of the bedroom window three stories up. i miss you? no, you are right i don't. nothing will ever satisfy. or everything will. crumpled up paper. dried up pens. half full cups of coffee. the first time i met dean paradise. you were there. you. always. are.
    i hate the silence.
    Sunday, October 15th, 2006
    2:49 pm
    i'll write on your walls. for. you.
    an abundance of happenings. hanging teapots in the gallery. turning back. into old ruts. old problems. sinking ships. sitting in dark alleyways. staring at the brick walls falling around you. acting like a torpedo in a crowded bar. baby, you can't keep me still. i'll be the queen on the board. you can be the pawn. locking eyes. is it good. is it bad. is it nothing. each has its own opinion. my poor little pawn. i am sorry already. youkeephangingroundmeandimnotsogladyoufoundme. teeth into flesh. fire onto hair. spilled wine into clothes. asphalt onto everything. sending her on a midnight bus. to the other city. just for kicks. drawing maps on the wall. more spinning. then listen to the north ones play. ivegotyouivegotyouyoulittlekangaroo. it immediatly was good. then betrayal? no. just the obvious. lets just lay on the bathroom floor. wrap arms around the clawed toes of the bathtub. stare up at the cracking walls. and out the faded window. it all ends at an all night diner. coffee in styrafoam cups. eggs on paper plates. the all nite diner. eveything ends there.
    Tuesday, October 10th, 2006
    3:21 pm
    to the brother across the land.
    happy day of birth, creature.
    i sent you a package and as long as the postal service does not fuck up, which they often do since they are not good citizens like the rest of us, you should be receiving it in due time.
    i will pour a 40oz out in the gutter for you, my brother.
    2:02 pm
    future.
    oddities. fact and fiction. such as small dinosaurs clawing their way up the teal walls. antique airplanes. globes with black oceans. my body indented into a brick wall. eyes two black marks. wheels on feet. spending time cutting the fingertips off of every glove. sky captian goggles and leather. one man bands and pointy teeth. if the world exsisted the way i think it does. everything. would. be. this. black coffee with white scarves. bath tubs with clawed feet. bicyles with parachutes. thank you for the cold weather. now i can keep my windows open. i am about to make many books. many letters. many portraits of people that were never born. with lows of 42.
    Tuesday, October 3rd, 2006
    11:48 pm
    professional oddity.
    here look at this.

    http://fmlbcomics.blogspot.com/

    and look at it more than once, every week or so. this is my studio that i belong to. fatman & littleboy comics. we make drawings. i make the weird ones.
    i have insomnia. and a song that i am obsessed with. i think i will take lou reed's advice and never be a wife. it's not a life. i have so much to do. i hate plato and his republic. i am worried about the cold one. and i wish i could sleep. he said everything will be ok. but the world is sending us weird hints. i a little worried. hellicopters and spotlights. gunshots and evacuations. all in one day. he said he would be ok. but i am worried. i wish i could sleep. i am so weird. and akward. no..you are akward. i am weird. he is cold. the city is mean. i guess i dig it all.
    Sunday, October 1st, 2006
    1:36 pm
    i still scream out of open windows.
    woke up to drunk roomates. or they woke up to me. i think i am obsessive. i think i am bipolar. i think i am a-okay. a giant dance party inside the teal walls. screaming. a goodbye party in the play house. the guest of honor who was not there. wearing platinum blonde wigs and impersonating a french party girl. fur and leather. cigarettes and flasks. breaking my dress. engagements in the street. climbing to the roof. screaming. telephones that only intensify the weirdness. why are you weird and why are you indifferent and why are you crazy. and you? dear god. someone tell me what i want. what i need. i am not a face to face person? i can only be spoken to when glass and the night sky are between us. lone bike riding. lone bike riders. hiding in closets. screaming. and running and running after the runner. saying no a thousand times. failure and success. somebody run away with me. somebody run away from me. sing to me. sing to me and i will stay with you. she is able.
    Friday, September 29th, 2006
    9:57 am
    friday morning.
    i can't make tea right. it never works. i rode home at 8 in the morning in socks and no shoes. cold air and now tea that won't work. little notes on the wall. 'one of these days i'm going to leave you in your sleep' -girl. i did. you did. i did. is this me being a wild creature or just a stupid girl. but the air is finally agreeing with me. and oh, just get me to a party. that's where i eternally belong. in a corner of a smokey room. cigarette. wine glass. broken glass. burns. i'll never get rid of the black eyes. or i could just spend my nights stealing wine from morning news anchor men. it all works. or just find a person to run away with me. to new york. i said i should go. he said ok. ok. ok. that is that. no i do not want to say goodbye.
    Saturday, September 23rd, 2006
    4:46 pm
    open windows. 3 stories up.
    it's four pm in the morning. and life continues as i shaped it. the frantic way we live would be a perfect tune in some crazy 1950s jazz song. we are a jazz band and i've never even picked up a trumpet. let alone a stand up base. but i do where a lot of black. fish eyes have watched me from the moment i got home. sturgeons on a coffee mug and blue fish in the bathtub. this whale on my arm. once again bruises and bite marks and burns and blood and this time chairs on my back. there is a bag of hair in the bathroom closet. and crumbled up newspapers on the floor. this is normal. you are normal. i am not. i am confusing and scary and a little alarming. to intense to be around for long periods of time. staring at black and white lines on a small tv. lets set all of the balloons free. i wish i knew how to treat them better. all of them. or just one. then we could move into a motel room and read the obituaries over tea and watch horse racing on the tv set bolted into the ceiling. but only to look at the little jockies outfits and the elaborate names. i love my wife. i love our curator. i love those teal walls. you love me and i love walls. it's a long walk west, so i think i'll start now. it will be ok. you will be ok. i will be ok. this is a life i created and i have accepted it and am to deep into it to get out now. would i want to? no. so buy the ticket and take the ride. with dead eyes. more circles. perhaps it is the crazy ones that change to world. you are crazy. i am crazy. did we change the world. yes and no.
    i am oddly content.
    Monday, September 18th, 2006
    1:20 pm
    broken chairs and sitting.
    i have not written words in such a long time. so here it goes, let's see if i remember how. i have settled into a routine crazyness. wild nights turn into wild days and back into wild nights. asleep and awake at the same time. 3 stories up perched in an open window. watching the sun turn the streets from black to dull blue to grey yellow. thinking about something somewhere someone that may or may not exsist. batteries in the freezer. pans on the floor. waking up in last nights party-dress with a dead phone on the matress. 2 hours awake after falling out of a window. parasites and wooden chairs. a map. broken screens. next. change my name, spike the coffee, and write down the key moments of the rotten beautiful life. this is me, how could it not be.
    Wednesday, August 23rd, 2006
    9:50 am
    circles under my eyes.
    creative roadblocks. in the form of crates full of books and jars and empty coffee mugs. piled to the ceiling, interrupting my view. mattresses on the floor and elephants in the parking lot. that is the morning and the night. the only things that exist because the day ran away a long time ago. keys hanging on strings and old records that can’t be played melt into doors that won’t open again and songs that don’t exist. the mannequins, the unreal people. watch the crazed waves of those dancing children that fill up the hallways of our homebase. i have noticed that this life has a specific color scheme and soundtrack. and a smell of burnt out cigarettes and dead air. dead eyes. dead bicycle tires. skin becomes a scrapbook. full of all the burns and bite marks and cuts and bruises. eyes become empty shells. do you even remember the color of them? hair becomes a suitcase for all of the dirt and grime of the alleyways. when the 22nd year is hit, it will all be cut away. all of it. i can become new again.
    Saturday, August 19th, 2006
    4:23 pm
    wake up.
    i need to wake up. i don't feel real anymore. i need to get off of the sinking ship. but i know that i won't. i am the captian. and the captians go down with their ships. this is life. this is an adventure.
    children. wake up. hold your mistakes up. before they turn the summer into dust.
    i will probably just ride this life until the bitter end. i want to be real again. but i don't even remeber what real is anymore. i have people who love me. it will be alright. this is life. this is an adventure.
    Sunday, August 13th, 2006
    2:04 pm
    the air is cold.
    it is cold. unusual. is the weather trying to tell me something?
    it has been too long since i last wrote a single word. so here a a few put in no particular order to create a paragraph that may or may not tell you all what i have been doing and where i have been hiding....
    mostly under rocks with the salamanders.
    summer is nearing its end. probably for the best. the intense heat made for one to many dangerously insane nights that lasted until the sun arrived. a little too much blood. but wait. there is no such thing.
    climing through windows. riding the bikes. laughing until i pass out.
    painting. moving out. holding dance parties in my empty apartment. dancing around the little globe.
    love.
    i love it.
    maybe future travels. but most likely just a list of places i want to go and another list of places i need to go and another list of the very logical 'what the hell am i going to do with my life in exactly one year?"
    can we all run away together. we will make it to cuba. soon. then to wherever else the sun sets. which might be everywhere and it might be nowhere.
    until i write words again.
    take care.
    enjoy the cold air.
    Saturday, July 22nd, 2006
    6:11 pm
    i got my friends drunk and we all wrote a story.
    it has not logic, a lot of gramatical errors, and is ridiculous. but enjoy.

    an old man’s love letter.

    a love letter written by an old man. it is interupted by emergency flare guns. launched off a fishing boat by the woman he loves. one of the ones he is writing letters to.
    flash back to his youth. he was a boy on the east moungrel river. summers that ended in ritualistic haircuts under a deep red moon. he remembers her. with her sunken eyes and hair so dark it made the night seem nonexsistant. did she really love him? he will never know.
    flashforward to now. he had a wife... once. maybe twice. but what happens in cairo egypt stays in cairo egypt....right?
    it was located in alexanderia on the delta. she was persian...flat faced and magestic. the princess of the nile. he took a plane over the sudan until he reached the home of a rain cloud. rain clouds are known to have extreme bipolar tendencies, but this one was especially sullen. he wore an antique top hat with a wide brim and barnacles decorating the side. a dead squid trapped in the cloud recited the ceremony.
    flash back, he is five. white picket fences lined with lucky rabbit feet. could this be a dream?
    flash forward. he’ll never eat rabbit again. here he was in africa. a safari is not like it is in the cataloges. smiling giraffes....not being ripped limb from limb by lions in the jungle quicksand. quicksand, it is such a lie. it might be the slowest deat he had ever experienced.
    flash tforward a bit more. here he is. he wishes he had not tried to kick down that door. he had known what was in there from the beginning. did he really need the confirmation? that was the last time he ever saw her. climbing out that window. she was him. he knew she did. she only pretended not to notice.
    “my god, never laugh. nevernevernevernevernever laugh back at thos hyenas.” he learned that the stovetop way. tried to chuckle back and got burnt. the hyenas called up their magician ally. immediatly his beard octupled in length. the hyenas laughter became a ferocity that reached a pitch to high for him to percieve, he wept. he wept for the perversion comitted his fine sea beard. but only for a moment. for soon he learned he could fashion his tremendous beard into a lasso in which to ensnare the rare elephelk that bounded and danced in the red mountians of scottland.
    flash backto his 9th birthday. the day he walked in on his mother and the delivery man kissing in the kitchen. years later his theropist would tell him that this is the moment he lost faith in women. he knew it was actually the moment he found faith in delivery men.
    flash forward to the moment he DID lose faith in women. a carneval and he is 18. the beautiful gypsy fortune teller told him he would die in a train accident. trains have been extinct for 23 years now and he is still waiting for death. that bitch.
    he could never really shake that prophecy. he had seen it there in the spattered shapes of the spilt coffee grounds. he had seen it before the gypsy woman spoke it to him as a young boy.
    his end, but not the end of his story. to his turn on the North Dakota prostitute. eleventh in line, the same in rank. suprising for an old man to move up so far with in the Hells Angels in only a weeks time. he mounted the 18 year old farmers daughter turned tricks. it never occured to him the “train” of his fateful wreck may have been figurative...not now. not as he typed his phantom typewriter.
    . flash forward. sandcastles stolen from children on various beaches of the east coast of madagascar lined the hallways. the janitor once was furious. now just apathetic. does he even know what that word means. is he only faking intelligence. to impress her. it worked and it didn’t. she loved a man that didn’t exsist. she loved apathy, he was only pathetic.
    flashback. he is twelve and learnign the meaning of red woolen sweaters. with out them he surely would have been comfortable in that lonely desert. the sand is as the heart. the only difference between the two so synonymous was that one was in his chest and the other was in his eyes. he spat it out and rinsed his teeth with cactus water. “have you a bandoleer” said the rattlesnake “i need to get my children to their father’s house. he gets them on the weekend” “you are such a god damned cliche” he said “and yes. just let me void it of shells”. the shotgun shells just fallen were carried off by a band of suspect desert hares. the snake put her children in individual bullet sleeves and snaked off. “thanks fuck for coffee” said the man as he tried to win the most desperate staring contests with the horizon.
    he had found oasis with her. he woke in the morning with a mouthful of sand. with the queen of the desert as your lover this is a common occurence.
    flashback. he shot bottle rockets at the neighborhood cats.
    flashforward. he shoots pistols at the full moon.
    “when did you lose it?” he would ask her, grossly unsympathetic. she was always losing things. “senegal” she said and took an ever breif and sickly elegeant sip from her raspberry tea. “well, at least it was your right eye” he said. “fuck” she said.
    so he spent a year or two in a tugboat decorated in old christmas lights sailing the Indian Ocean. he considers it a year or two wasted. he only went to forget her. her and her feirce blue eyes. as feirce and as blue as the Indian Ocean. he couldn’t forget.
    flashback. he had met her in an all night diner. she drank black coffe and smoked all of his cigarettes. he told her she was beautiful and she walkde out of the front door. he never saw her again. do you see a pattern here?
    at the moment he was perusing an old copy of the history of the roman republic. he consulted cassious longious and found that his motives were too audible. the fate of a man is not determined by the stars but within himself. when he found this out he wept for 8 days. how unfair. when he emperged from that bout of depression he took that advice to wallstreet.
    this is now. not now then or later in his story. this is a plane of time that exsists between the two. i should tell you at this time that the language “spanish: has been reinvented. it is now closer to modern day math than anything else.
    back to the beginning. back to the end. he never answered her emergency flares. it would not be fair to all the other women he had loved. and lost. instead he held his breath and drowned with her. with all of them.
    Thursday, July 20th, 2006
    12:46 pm
    a letter.
    so i am having a gallery show in the fall. how exciting. i am going to paint upwards of one hundred 5 by 5 paintings on paper. inkwashes and line. each one will be a different littel animal or person. they will all be saying something in a word bubble in backwards handwriting. each painting will say a line from a story i wrote and they will be put in order so you walk around the gallery and read the story backwards. i might hand out little mirrors so people can read them faster, or i might not. any ways, the story is either going to be a sad love letter or a crazy beat story that i will get my friends to write once i get them drunk off of wine. raar raar. here is the sad love letter.

    dear margarite,
    the second time around.
    and things didn’t change at all.
    you told me you loved me.
    i never felt it.
    you told me you would do anything for me.
    i’m still waiting.
    i should have said something.
    i should have done someting.
    if we could go back in time and slow it down.
    so the conversations never end.
    the fires never burn out.
    and the sun never rises.
    if the night could last forever.
    maybe we would have been ok.
    i suppose i can start over.
    in some desert town.
    with dead flowers and broken windows.
    i’ll spend the days rescuing snails.
    and the nights shooting pistols at the moon.
    i do need something new.
    something frighteningly new.
    i’m sorry i get in the way.
    in the way of helping everyone else.
    in the way of making everyone else happy.
    i promise it will never happen again.
    my hands are dead.
    my eyes are dead.
    my heart is dead.
    all because of you.
    you and your negligence.
    and all those secrets.
    and answers to those secrets.
    please keep your secrets to yourself.
    i don’t want them anymore.
    i am tired of it all.
    tired of feeling alone.
    tired of waking up with bruises.
    tired of trying to fix the unfixable.
    but maybe it is my fault.
    i am too elusive.
    one minute you are mine.
    the next minute i want nothing to do with you.
    maybe it is both our fault.
    we are both so brutal.
    i guess that is what we had in common.
    i guess that is what attracted us to each other.
    an attraction like that is bound to end in disaster.
    although it was a slow disaster.
    you said you were sorry.
    i have not heard from you since.
    so i will take the desert.
    you can have the sea.
    but it won’t be the same without you.
    and i hope the sea is lonely without me.
    i hope your ship sinks.
    i hope i can see your emergency flares from where i am.
    i won’t answer them.
    that night i will hold my breath and drown with you.
    i might have loved you.
    i guess we will never know.
    thanks for everything.
    sincerely, edward.

    good? or should i go for beat dialoge. aaah i don't know!

    meanwhile. i have been waking up with cuts and bruises too much. i need to stop falling off my bike and beating up washing machines.
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